I married my husband 5 years ago. This is the first year that I have tried to celebrate being married to my wife. Remembering the past but looking toward the future is a delicate thing. I always feel like I'm walking a line. I have to be careful to not appear to long for the past. I like to remember the past, though. It's hard for her to remember who she used to be and I understand she is feeling that way. I'd like to be able to celebrate the time that we've spent together. Sometimes it doesn't feel fair. I feel like I must stay silent or hide my feelings to spare her, but sometimes doing those things bring me sadness or even anger.
Sure, I miss him. But I also love her. She is the same, but she isn't the same. That was a concept that I had a very difficult time grasping this time last year. I would like to think that I'm doing better this year. I didn't do well on our anniversary. I tried to appreciate her now & remember what we had done in the past, but I just ended up losing her. She lost herself in her own memories and became unhappy. I tried to bring her back, but it only got worse. She wants to marry me, but feels like he is the one who is married to me. I want to marry her, once she is settled and we are "out". Getting married again is definitely a priority. Even though, UGH... wedding planning. We're still married now, though. I work hard every day on our marriage and I'd like to be able to celebrate it. I mess up a lot, but all I can do is say that I'm sorry and try to learn, try to make it better.
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We are still very much in the closet about my spouse's gender identity.
I think 6 other people know about what we're doing right now. Sometimes I want to talk about it. Sometimes I'd like to ignore it. I've known my spouse was transgender for 387 days, or a little over a year. I like to think that I have grown a lot in the past 387 days. It wasn't easy. Nothing about this process is "easy". Talks about transition or feelings about becoming a woman (for the most part) no longer end with me sobbing uncontrollably. I struggled with EVERYTHING in the very beginning. I didn't know who I was. I didn't know who I had married. I didn't know what I was doing. I didn't know where I was going. I was so very lost. I should have taken the time to talk to someone in those early days. I should have found a friend or at least a secret blog like this one. I didn't. Instead, I hurt myself. I felt guilty... ashamed. I was angry. I was so, so sad. |
MeI'm a cis-gender woman who lives in the American South. I'm married to a biological man who is in the very beginning of transitioning into a woman. I am also struggling to conceive. ArchivesCategories |